Dear Catherine, From Hermione
by Brigid of Co. Mayo
Summary: OR How Harry, Ron and I Risked Expulsion and Death for the Sixth Year in a Row. Letters written between Hermione and a Muggle (Not a Mary Sue attempt! I promise!) during the Infamous Trio's sixth year. Rating may change, pending story developements.
1. The Bludger Incident

Alright, I'm running the risk of writing an over-used plot. But, I'm doing it anyway. Catherine is Hermione's friend, its not overly important who she is, just that she's a Muggle, and Hermione's age. I'm thinking more of an Aunt who is the same age. In any case, I feel that Hermione must get sick of being the only person in their little group who has lived a normal Muggle life prior to Hogwarts (Harry's life was far from normal.) I am an American, so I appologize in advance if I offend anyone with my attempts to sound British. Anyway, on with the show.

September 4

Dear Catherine,

As you very well may know, I am attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and wizardry. I am at the top of my class. And I know the eight uses of crow feet.

I do not, however, know the difference between a Quaffle and an immobilized Bludger.

This has recently caused me much consternation. But let me begin at the beginning (why does that sound cliché?)

We (we being Harry, Ron, Ginny and I) were on the train to Hogwarts, anticipating the beginning of the new year. Well, Harry, Ron and Ginny were pretending to loathe the idea, but really, who HATES school? They just pretend. I know that they looooove the whole thing. Who wouldn't? In any case, we were merrily watching the scenery fly by, when Draco Malfoy (the dolt who keeps insulting me) decided to grace us with his presence. He's never quite forgiven me for punching him in our third year. Well, he walks in and begins his inane, over-used insults. Really. That whole Potty and Weasel thing wasn't funny the first time. Perhaps I'm biased, but even Crabbe has to force a laugh, and that boy laughs at everything, including his reflection (he hasn't quite figured out how mirrors work.) But I digress. Malfoy insults us per usual, at which point Ron jumps out of his seat to curse Malfoy, but Ron hasn't paid attention to a single class in the last five years of our education, and I doubt the next two will be any different. Well, Ron is standing there with his wand at the ready, mouth open, and he looks at _me_!

"Er, Hermione?"

I stared at him.

"Know any good ones?"

By this time, Malfoy was reaching for his wand because, even if he is a dolt, he's not a moron.

"_Really, _Ronald..." I sighed, pulled out my wand and pointed it at Malfoy "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"

However, at this point, Neville Longbottom had pushed his way into the compartment and shoved Malfoy to the side in order to show us all his brand new Quidditch set. It was his Quidditch set that received the brunt of the spell, though Neville fell over and Malfoy did lose all feeling in his right arm. He didn't notice, because he was laughing his head off. Harry head butted him back into the corridor and then locked the door.

Neville looked up at me brokenhearted "My Grams bought that for me...for my bravery last spring...She'll kill me!"

Ginny patted him on the shoulder awkwardly "Its going to be alright, Neville, its just a spell. Hermione can fix it."

I sighed and knelt before the chest. I opened the straps and pulled out two similar balls. "Finite-"

"Er, Hermione?"

"_What_ Ron?" I snapped.

"That's a Bludger."

"No, Ron, it isn't."

"Actually, Hermione," Harry spoke up, "Ron is right."

My face turned red. I really had no idea if they were right or not, but I was NOT about to be shown up by someone who can't remember a SIMPLE hex! I gritted my teeth and glared at the two of them. I noticed that Ginny was seating herself in a far corner. "FINITE INCANTATEM!"

Well, Neville got a bloody nose and Ron has a rather large lump on the back of his head. Its not as if I told the Bludger to hit him. And Harry did shout at him to duck. Just because he has slow reflexes...

In any case, Ron isn't speaking to me, and Harry has had to leave the Great Hall on numerous occasions to avoid a laughing fit. Ron is a terrible pouter, especially when it looks like he has another head sprouting from his abnormally thick one. (That was Ginny's observation, not mine.)

Besides that, classes are going well. We've a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, an American named Professor Wimblebop. She's a very...hyper...woman. I think she may have been some sort of cheerleader in the United States...the Lakers?

Well, I have a Snape essay to do, its due in three days, so hurry, hurry, hurry!

Always,

Hermione

September 6th

Dear Hermione,

My parents were extremely unnerved by the large owl that landed in my father's oatmeal. Don't worry, I washed him off. The owl, not my father. 

If it helps any, I haven't the faintest idea what "Quidditch" is. Though, it sounds awful if you can hurt some one without actually playing. Though Hermione, I must admit, you were never an athletic type of person...even playing normal sports, like Frisbee.

This Ron sounds like a prat. The rest of them sound nice enough though. Except for Malfoy, of course. Who is Ginny?

How are your classes going? I'm quite sure they are much more interesting than mine. In Biology, Marsha Herndale threw a pickled radiated pig out the window, protesting cruelty to animals. I think that she just wanted to avoid having to dissect it.

The strangest thing happened the other day. A very cheeky blonde fellow showed up at your flat, and demanded to talk to your parents. (They're at a floss convention, I don't know if they mentioned, they didn't want to upset you because you were missing it.) Well, I was there feeding your fish, Melvin, and I told him that they were round at the shops. So, he comes in and sits on your couch! I mean really, the nerve. I told him I'd call the police on him, but he didn't seem very convinced. After about five minutes he got up, mumbled something about "The things I do to please the Lord..." I think he might have been one of those pamphlet hander-outers.

I must admit, Hermione, I am shocked that your parents even allowed you to attend Hogwarts. They were so hopeful that you'd become a dental hygienist so that they could fire that lazy woman in their office, and make it the Granger Family Dentist. GFD, you know. Your mum was already picking out polo shirts to have the name embroidered on.

I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing...

Love and kisses,

Catherine 

P.S. I like using crow feet as a garnish on my grilled chicken... 


	2. She's a Laker Girl

Dear Catherine,

I'm sorry about the owl. Perhaps I should've warned you. But what's done is done, I suppose. Harry's got a beautiful owl, named Hedwig. Ron's got one that looks like a ping-pong ball, named Pig. Don't ask. Ron has a very sick sense of humor. And he's not always a prat. For instance, he always...well, he's a nice boy. Humble? Erm. Well, anyway. Ginny is his younger sister; we've become quite close over the past few years. I feel bad for the girl, having six older brothers. I thought being an only child was bad, but having to put up with belching, farting and sick boy-y jokes all the time? Not to mention her twin older brothers, Fred and George. I'm shocked those two haven't blown the Weasley home to smithereens. Percy is the only one fit for company, and he's a pompous ass! (There was a bit of a fall out between Percy and Mr. Weasley, involving Percy's inability to think for himself.)

We had our first double DADA with Slytherins today. I just don't understand these boys. They are completely incapable of keeping their mouths closed around her. And I don't mean talking. I over heard Seamus say something very improper about his next visit to the restroom. Wimblebop back flipped into the room and started the class with

"RAH RAH, D-A-D-A!

WE'RE LEARNING TO DEFEAT THE DARK LORD TODAY!

SO OPEN YOUR BOOKS

AND BOYS WHY ALL THE FUNNY LOOKS?"

She is an airhead. In the truest sense of the word. The DADA teachers are all disapointing here. First year, it was some nervous wreck possessed by Voldemort. Second year we had a wonderful teacher, but both Ron and Harry insist he was a prissy fraud. Third year we had a good teacher, but he was a werewolf and so he sort of got canned. Fourth year was a psychotic Death Eater disguised as a paranoid auror. And fifth year...oh don't get me started on that wretched Umbridge woman.

And this year seems to be another flop. She has no idea what she is going on about, and only used have the double period, and the other half teaching Lavender and Pavarti and a few other silly girls how to do splits.

Malfoy showed up in the Great Hall today, flanked by his shrinking entourage (as more and more Death Eaters are sent to Azakaban, many of the Slytherins are leaving the country.) He walked up to where Ron, Harry, Ginny and I were sitting and smirked. He's always smirking. If he's not smirking its because

a) Someone has recently punched him (Thank you, Thank you, hold your applause.)

b) He's recovering from being a bouncing ferret or

c) He gets a glimpse into just how pathetic and worthless he really is.

Anyway, he smirked at us. And then he looked me in the eye and mouthed something...I swear it looked like he said "Nice house." But perhaps he said "Nice mouse." Neither makes much sense. But he's the prattiest prat in the world.

Ron jumped out of his seat and yelled "WHAT DID YOU SAY MALFOY?"

"I said," Malfoy responded coolly, raising his eyebrows, "That your mother is fat!"

Ron looked like he might kill someone, and Harry grabbed his arms and pulled him back on the bench. I sat on his stomach and Ginny sat on his feet, though she looked like she would've preferred to let Ron do his worst.

Professor Snape came running over to the table "_What is the meaning of this?_ Potter? Granger? Weasley...s?"

Wimblebop somersaulted between us and Snape and clapped her hands.

"READY? GO!

NOTHINGS WRONG, PROFESSOR SNAPE!

THEY'RE JUST TRYING, TO MAKE HIM WAKE!

AND FOR THAT NOBLE AIM

I MUST PROCLAIM

POINTS ARE DUE,

FROM ME TO YOU!

GIMME AN F!

GIMME AN I!

GIMME A V-E!!!!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" and five rubies clinked into our hourglass.

And with that she danced around in a little circle and did a high kick. Snape looked as if he were going to be ill. The funniest thing, as she sashayed off, I think she winked at us.

Well, I must go, there is a Ravenclaw versus Hufflepuff match out on the pitch, and I love to cheer for the Ravenclaws. Sometimes, I wonder why I wasn't placed in that house...

Love always,

Hermione.

Dear Hermione,

That new teacher sounds like a real treat. I hope you manage to learn something from her. I know how you feel about wasted class time.

I think Malfoy was just being a moron. It sounds like that's his only true talent. Unless he was making a vulgar comment using a ridiculous codeword.

Your parents came over for dinner last night. Apparently there was a break in at the office. Nothing was taken, it appears. They told me to tell you not to worry, they're insured, and they're having a state of the art alarm system installed.

Your owl was a bit out of sorts when it arrived. It seemed frightened, and its feathers were mussed. My mum says that perhaps it has something to do with hawks. There's been a great many of them about lately. I gave him a nice warm bath and some chocolate cake. I don't know if owls eat chocolate cake, but he seemed to appreciate it.

Marsha Herndale was caught in the broom closet with Mark Maloney. They've been expelled for two whole weeks. It sounds like a lot more than snogging was going down, and it wasn't anything to do with Sociology notes, which was Marsha's excuse. Even though Mark doesn't take Sociology. Who knows what goes on in that girls head sometimes?

I saw our favorite bible thumper on the street corner today. He's rather pompous for a man of god. And he needs a haircut.

I'll just have to trust you on that whole "Ron isn't a prat thing."

Tell Ginny I feel her pain. Remember that summer I spent with Auntie Louisa in France? She had twelve sons. It was torture, pure and simple.

They didn't even have any cute friends.

Love from above,

Catherine.


End file.
